Dear Diary
by STforRK
Summary: Kahlans diary entries about her feelings for Richard.
1. He Loves MeHe Love Me Not

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and I make no profit from this. Legend of the Seeker is the property of Disney-ABC Domestic Television and ABC Studios. The characters are the property of Terry Goodkind, Sword of Truth.

Song Lyrics: Whitney Houston's How Will I Know

Summary: At times, Kahlan Amnell wishes she were an ordinary woman. She needs a sister, a female friend, mom or grandmother to ask for advice.

I am Confessor Kahlan Amnell, not just any Confessor but the Mother Confessor. I was chosen to cross the boundary into Westland to find the great wizard, so that I could deliver the Book of Counted Shadows to the Seeker to aid in his quest to defeat Darken Rahl. I found them First Wizard Zeddicus Zu'l Zorrander and Richard Cypher- Seeker of Truth and something else.

I have been traveling with Richard and Zedd for over six months. When we are not fighting or helping someone that is suffering from Rahl's injustice, I watch Zedd train Richard to use the Sword of Truth. Richard really does have a handsome face, beautiful big brown eyes, and a well-defined physique with chiseled muscles. I am in awe of how he moves during practice, during battle, while hunting, gathering wood, cooking, or doing anything. I know I cannot have a relationship with him but he is so mouth-watering.

_There's a boy I know, he's the one I dream of_  
Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above  
Ooh I lose control, can't seem to get enough  
When I wake from dreaming, tell me is it really love

I try to keep my ogling inconspicuous but I believe Zedd has seen me watching or has suspicions about my feelings for Richard. I notice how Richard looks at me when he thinks that I am not looking. Could it be that he has begun to develop feelings for me?

_How will I know (Don't trust your feelings) _  
_How will I know _  
_How will I know (Love can be deceiving) _  
_How will I know _  
_How will I know if he really loves me_

The more we travel together the more my feelings for Richard grow. I often think of what it would be like to act on my feelings and have them return. Am I being selfish in dreaming about a relationship that could never be? Does he share my feelings?

_I say a prayer with every heart beat_

_I fall in love whenever we meet_

_I'm asking you what you know about these things_  
_How will I know if he's thinking of me _  
_I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak) _  
_Falling in love is all bitter sweet _  
_This love is strong why do I feel weak_  
_Oh, wake me, I'm shaking, wish I had you near me now_

_Said there's no mistaking, what I feel is really love_

I cannot help but wonder...

If he loves me, if he loves me not


	2. Chapter 2

As I continue my journey with Richard and Zedd, my feelings continue to grow. I know it is unfair to let Richard get too close and attached only to end up being hurt or worse my slave for life. I look at him, his beautiful smile and innocence then think how I could be so selfish.

Zedd approaches me saying, "You cannot put off telling Richard any longer." I sigh and know that he is right but I am afraid. I am just getting use to the idea of someone not being afraid of me and liking me as a person.

We come across a young listener Renn, who tells me, "Tell him what you feel about him. It'll be okay." I want to believe him but years of knowledge about Confessors tell me it is not possible.

"A Confessor's power is always present. We have to hold it in at all times. Especially if I were with someone I love. Then the power couldn't be controlled. In a moment of ... ecstasy, it would be unleashed. My lover's soul would be taken. Then he would become a slave. That's why we can never be together. You wouldn't be yourself anymore."

I have rehearsed my speech several times in my head, and once aloud inadvertently telling the wrong person under a spell to look like Richard. I just cannot bring myself to tell Richard just yet. What should I do, will he look at me the same way or will he fear me like everyone else?


	3. Where Do Broken Hearts Go

After a near kiss the night before battle, and a talk with Zedd, I decide on the way to the D'Haran encampment at Kelabra to share my secret with Richard. Later I discover, after worrying all this time, that I shared my secret with the wrong person.

While leaving Kelabra, we encounter Shota who informs us of a prophecy. "It is written that the Seeker will be betrayed by the one closest to him. You will be betrayed by the one in white."

After the incident with Finn, and now with the prophecy of me betraying the Seeker, I am not sure what I should do now or when to tell Richard about my powers. I beign to have dreams that I fear will lead to Richard's death or worse. Waking from a bad dream Richard is there to comfort me and we kiss. Oh he is such a great kisser and I want more but I cannot risk his life for my own selfishness.

Instead of facing my fears and telling Richard about my powers, I decide to leave to prevent the prophecy and from letting my feeling for him destroy him. I talk with Zedd the next morning, informing him that I am leaving. He questions my reasons and I tell admit to him that I have feelings for Richard and that I almost lost control. Zedd encourages me to tell Richard the truth, he is strong and together we can make it thorugh. We both know Richard and he will not let it go and our feelings will only get in the way. Richard approaches and asks what is going on and try to persuade me to stay. He asks me to look him in the eyes and tell him that I do not have the same feelings he has for me. I look him in the eyes and I lie before leaving. My feelings are guiding me now and I cannot trust myself around Richard.

Leaving Richard and Zedd behind was not the best idea. My leaving led to Richard being unprotected and captured by Denna. She tortured him and told him what I have been afraid to tell him during our travels together. After rescuing Richard, we talk and I promised him and myself that I would not leave him again. We agree to bury our feelings for each other and continue on the mission.

Things will not be the same after this and I must be even more guarded.


End file.
